Authenticity

I often think about my authenticity.

As a writer. As a woman. As a Native Hawaiian. Especially as a Native Hawaiian.

It’s been on my mind this week as I shared some Hawaiian culture with my students. It’s really difficult to find a balance between what the image of Hawaii is with what it actually is. I can’t really be truthful with 12 and 13 year olds about oppression and sublimation. They wouldn’t understand it and it would contradict their image of Hawaii as this beautiful vacation land filled with beaches and hula.

So, I struggle with how much and what kind of information to give them. Should I try to teach a traditional hula set to music in Hawaiian or should I just teach them something simple that’s mainly in English? Should I try to teach them the culture that Hawaii has become or the culture it is currently striving for? Should I point out the parts of Hawaii I grew up with or the parts that are now considered more Hawaiian than I am currently?

I don’t want to reinforce the image of Hawaii as this paradise location. A place to visit on a honeymoon. A destination. I want them to know that it’s a place like any other with people living and working and trying to survive. All the things I tell them or teach them are my experiences. My memories. The cheese of Little Grass Shack or Hukilau. The fake plumerias I wear in my hair. My favorite foods: poi, lau lau, kalua pig, spam musubi, loco moco…a mix of old and newish.

I see my friends in Hawaii protesting and fighting for a better life for kanaka maoli. Something separate from the identity forced on us as the colonized. I also see my family and other friends just living their lives in a strange balance between what we were and what we are….and it makes me feel just a little ashamed of myself and them. Why aren’t we fighting to be more authentic? Are we so colonized now that we accept as truth the people we have become?

I have found myself thinking a lot about this. Why do I feel ashamed? Why do I struggle with this? Should I even be struggling with this? I mean it’s not like I live in Hawaii anymore. I probably won’t be able to ever live there again. I guess the thing is I am Hawaiian, kanaka maoli. By my very existence, I represent to the people around me the culture and experience of my people. That is a heavy burden to bear sometimes. So, maybe when I show the cheap and silly parts of my culture, I cheapen the experience for my students and myself and that causes me to feel shame.

Not sure if I will ever find a way to reconcile this but I think that questioning my own self and my motives is probably a better act of authenticity than never questioning myself at all.