When I started this website, I had such big plans.

To have an online presence to tie with my social media accounts. Not very successful there.

To use this site to promote my work. Not getting published much.

To talk about the various things in my life. Not very positive usually.

One of the things I often talk about is my inspiration. Or at least the things I do for inspiration. I had lots of things going that should have kept me continuously inspired - music (too many instruments), art (too many pens), crocheting and knitting (too many skeins of yarn). Apparently, I like buying things to help with inspiration but not so much in using them for inspiration.

Since the middle of NaNoWriMo, I have felt nothing. It’s not NaNo’s fault. I just realized the futility in the act of trying to write in such a manner. I think really it’s a confluence of events. My new writing not getting published. My old writing not getting published. Paying money for the things that support my writing but not making any money from my writing to pay for it.

It’s frustrating.

I think I have no one to blame but myself. I have failed myself in my lack of inspiration, in my lack of writing something that people want to publish, in my ability to be successful (whatever that means).

There was a moment there where I almost decided again to quit it all. Dump everything and burn it all to the ground. Then, I come to my senses and realize how much time and effort I have put into this creative life of mine and I continue on…no matter how shitty and disgusted I feel with myself and my work.

I need a recharge. I just don’t now how to get it.